Does This Name Make My Butt Look Big?

If there's one thing I'm good at its accepting criticism graciously. Well, that and training unicorns how to catch rainbows with their tails. Oh, and turning random objects into gold. Accepting criticism graciously, unicorn training and alchemy...these are all things I do well.

But even if you do accept criticism graciously, there really isn't anyone who isn't at least a little bit tweaked when someone dogs their kid's name.

My children are Eleanor, Henry and Susannah (alternately called Sadie). Here are comments about their names that I've received along with interpretations where appropriate for those readers who don't speak passive-aggressive:

"How interesting." = "How disgusting."

"Is that a family name?" = "Since no one actually likes that name you must be using it to honor someone who was so special that they were able to overcome the handicap of having such an ugly name." Could also mean, "That's a super name! If you're a great-grandpa."

"Those sure are old names."

"I haven't heard that one in a long time."

"I used to have a dog named that." & "That's my neighbor's dog's name." = "Um. That name is for dogs."

"Like the song?"

"Eh, its a name."

"That was my grandma's name." = "Um. That name is for grandmas."

"I don't like that. Its ugly." = "I don't like that. Its ugly."

You might think that last one was uttered by some impossibly impish child with that impossibly impish childlike way of saying whatever they're thinking. It was actually said by a full-grown adult whom I've known for most of my life. Hearing that made me long for the dulcet tones of, "Eh, its a name."

Normally, I appreciate candor but there are some things you just don't say to a women in her 8th month of pregnancy. Like:

"Wow. You're huge!"

"Are you sure its not twins?"

"Some people really put on weight in their faces, huh?"

"Please don't go into labor here."

"I don't like that [name]. Its ugly."

So, how should one respond they don't like the name someone has chosen for their child? What are the options?

1) Be honest.
2) Make a comment that doesn't commit one way or another.
3) Lie.

In most situations, I like to be honest. Its quicker. But in this situation, there's nothing to be gained by honesty. The kid is already named. The parents are already bonded to the child and the child's name. A blatant lack of enthusiasm is only going to be met with that special brand of smoldering hostility exclusive to parents whose kid has just been maligned in some way.

As much as I'm also a big fan wearing a mask of diplomacy there's nothing more transparent than a comment like, "How interesting." or "That certainly is a name!" Diplomatic and passive-aggressive are not the same.

That leaves lying. I'm not usually an advocate of lying but here's a case where it might serve a body well. I'm not saying one should jump up and down and throw a parade for a name they don't like. And, sure, its lying but is it really so bad to say, "Aw. That's cute" or "That's a nice name" and then change the subject?

I mean, one wouldn't say, "Hmmm. I don't really care for the looks of your baby. He bears too close a resemblance to my Great Uncle Hubert in his later years. Once the rheumatism had taken hold." Nor would one say, "Its been a while since I've seen a baby that looked like that!" We've all seen our share of revolting looking babies and yet I'll bet that most us have managed to stifle our gasps of horror and give a serviceable, "Awwww. What a cute little guy!"

And what is more closely tied to our babies than the very names we've bestowed upon them? We don't tell people, "This is the baby we named Thomas." We say, "This is Thomas." Shouldn't we take the courtesey of dishonesty that we show to ugly babies and extend it to ugly or ridiculous baby names?

On the off chance that Gwyneth Paltrow finds her way here I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that Apple is a really delicious crunchy juicy cute name.

I guess I'm going to need some practice.